I took today off work because I was overtired and sick and now I’ve slept I feel a lot better. It’s so warm and lovely today. The weather is so nice and it’s my last night in this apartment and I really just want to say to someone “I find you aesthetically appealing and I’d really love to touch you right now. I’m not promising sex, far from it. But it you’d do me the honour of letting me kiss you today I would also love to buy you dinner.” But I’ve had so many guys try and do that to me and I’m like “Bad Katherine. Bad. Don’t be one of those. Derive the necessary sensual gratification from making lovely meals and bathing in the sunlight and don’t let the bleach fumes get to your head.” Too many people have tried lately and if I was to do that and it was to work I think I’d feel like I was abusing the fact that I was female, which at the same time I feel entitled to do since yo fucking lo.
I dunno. Maybe I’ll go make some tea and be vaguely sensually frustrated.
I’d just rather make out then have mocha beers, or make out and have mocha beers. Either way there just seems like there are better things to do with my last night then clean and eat and write down all the things I’ve found annoying from the last few days.
I know so many guys who are like “oh I don’t like him because he creeped out my female friend once” and I’m like dude… You have no idea how many times I have this conversation with men. Pretty much every single fucking member of your gender has creeped a girl out once. Dating is fucking hard for men particularly when you are apparently meant to be the aggressors still, while also not having the old social conventions to adhere to. It’s a messy decade for men. I know it’s good to stand behind your female friends but maybe you should just go talk to him because literally every male member of a certain one of my friendship groups has been pegged as a creep at some point. Admittedly statistically some of them are probably rapists or have sexually assaulted someone. Which is actually all the more reason to engage in discourse as someone who hasn’t personally been hurt/ affected by their actions. There is a systematic problem here and I’m willing to be a little forgiving to the people who are caught up in it on both sides. Because its not like you aren’t all victims of the system here too and sometimes people need our help to get better. I’m not saying its our responsibility to do that. Just. The system is the real douchebag here.
If I’ve haven’t had this rant once on tumblr, I’ve had it a million times and I am still not over it. It weirds me out when guys say that they are immoral/ a bad boy. I do not generally like to be gendered or sexist in my judgements of other human beings. But oh hot damn do I feel like this is something guys specifically do. It almost hurts the little kid in me who still very much idealises the notion of a vaguely post-identity feminist society to admit that. But I feel like the “I’m a bad boy”/”I’m immoral”/ “naughty” guy is worse than the “nice” guy routine.
If by defininging yourself as a “bad boy” you are trying to minimise culpability for any future pain you may cause me or other people or are still carrying around past mistakes like a cross then that is not going to fly with me. I wasn’t born yesterday and I don’t put up with anyone’s shit. You put me in a difficult predicament where you’ve been lovely to me but then you are trying to play it cool, or trying to minimise culpability and I now have to stay guarded and either I have to take you on your word that you are kind of a shot person or I need to hound you into providing me with proper specifics before I can ease my mind. It’s just like… Well if you are a shit person and you know that why don’t you change, and if there is a particular reason you aren’t doesn’t that vaguely justify it? You can’t just say this shit because its not my responsibility or job to prove your psyche or change you. What even is this?
I actually think I hate the “I’m a bad boy” routine more than I hate the “I’m a nice guy” one. No. You don’t get to tell me how I should perceive you anymore than I need your perceptions to validate me. All you are doing by expressively indicating how you want me to perceive you is indicating just how fragile and important your self conceptualisation is to you. Or at least that I should perceive it as such, because you either think I’m too stupid to make my own observations or you are trying to curate a certain identity and I’m not interested in purchasing something so obviously sales pitched.
I forgive the nice ones for at least attempting to place their heart in the right place and at least attempting to mean well.
But what purpose does the bad boy self pity party/ self justification/ pitifully obvious attempt at being cool routine actually serve? It makes me irate that men think I want them to define themselves to me as either “nice” or “not nice”. Fuck you all. But also, the later is the fastest way to get me to seriously consider dropping a person like a hot potato. And having said thar it is generally such a shame because its usually the more interesting men that do it. Just, if you are male let others be free to perceive your behaviour at their own accord. Tell them your history, belief system etc but don’t tell them whether its “nice” or “bad”. Let other humans make up their minds.
I’m going to make up my own mind on how I feel about a person despite their chicken salt self identification but guhhh I internally groan sometimes before I choose to take words with a piece of salt.
Haha I don’t need any self love but I’m so glad this was dropped in my ask box by your esteemed blog.
1. I like my long spider fingers.
2. I like my fluorescent skin tone.
All the internal stuff is fairly transmutable so I picked parts of me I don’t have control over.
I will drop this in a few ask boxes in a few minutes when I’m free.
Xx have a lively and lovely day/ night.